2024-11-22

Yesterday: 2024-11-21
Tomorrow:

Friday, Nov 22

Food diary:

eggs 11
9% cottage cheese 490

Sooo. Today was just another shitty B/P day. And now I don't have money for an energy drink for tomorrow bc my father decided that he wants to give me money for the eggs I've bought for him later.
And he told me that my brother is in China now... JUST WHAT??? So this StypidFATBITCH doesn't want to give me money even on a single loaf of bread while paying for my brother's China trip!!! I mean... I just don't understand. What did I do to her to deserve this? Spoiler: nothing.
So after talking to my dad, I've spent a significant amount of the evening dreaming about how I'll find a drag dealer to hire a killer to kill OldCrazyFatBitch (bc SFB loves her) and then call SFB and tell her that she can relax bc she doesn't deserve to die (but deserve to live with this).
And after that, I've finally started to read the Anxiety & Depression Workbook. So I'll write everything below.
Also, midprocess, I came up with a brilliant Idea! I told SFB that I'll go to a therapist (ooh, she really waited for this moment didn't she). HAHAHA! The reason is that it's quite expensive, and it's the only thing she is going to pay for for me. So I'll just be sitting home as usual, and she'll pay the therapist to come here and listen to me complaining about HER for an hour every week. Ah! Wouldn't it be gorgeous?!

Anxiety & Depression Workbook#2024-11-22

Worksheet 1-8 My Reflections

B, T, F, R - In this order. I think that if there were more different questions, I'd probably chosen only B. Bc my lack of motivation concerns me the most. And I don't think that someone in my life situation would have more positive thoughts. Also, even though I've checked some A statements, they were not too unusual or strong for me to consider them a problem. Those quizzes just shoved me the things I've already known.

Building the Body Connection

All the women in my family from the mother's side are fat stupid crazy bitches who deserve to be burned alive for their attitude toward me, my father, and grandfather (he is dead, but it's the crazy old bitch who should be in his place).

Worksheet 2-2: My Emotional Origins

Questions About Mother (or other caregiver)

  1. She always wants everything to be her way. Also, if she has an opinion about something, no amount of evidence, logical explanations, or proof can make her change it, even if the opinion is completely wrong as there facts show her. She never answers questions that need more than "yes" or "no" and sometimes refuses to say even this one word. If you do something wrong she immediately explodes. But the strangest thing is that I have never in my life heard or seen her laughing. As well as my dad.
  2. She mostly just yelled, but I never listened and did everything my way anyway. It was a long time ago, and now she realized that I don't care so she yells only at my brother now.
  3. When I was little, like about 5 or 7 years old, she sometimes was warm, but not now. And I wouldn't even call it "coldness" it's more like a stone or an empty space.
  4. She was supportive in actions, but never in words. And here support lasted as long as it was beneficial for her.
  5. I don't think that we really spent much time together since I went to school. There was a period when we all watched movies together in the evening when she came home from work, but it didn't last long.
  6. When I was 11 or 10, her father - my grandfather (I miss him, he was the only adult in our family who liked my father. And I remember watching pirate movies with him. He was a very good person. My mother didn't deserve such a good parent) died. He was a diabetic and had surgery not too long before that.
  7. She always thinks that she knows what I feel, want, and need. Even if I tell her otherwise she just doesn't believe me. I hate those kind of people. This makes me want to cut her neck with the words "See, how much I LOVE you".

Questions About Father (or other important caregiver)

  1. My father is a good, but very temperamental person. He gets angry as fast as calms down. It's impossible to watch a movie with him bc he would always comment on how stupid everyone is. He is generous and sometimes it looks like he is ready to give me whatever I ask for. So it always astonished me how such a henpecked person can be sexist (not too much, it's just that sometimes he says to my brother something like "And how can someone ever understand a woman"). He hates my mother as much as she hates him, but at least he can admit that he loved the past her, until she shoved her true self. And I am in solidarity with him in this. He has a good sense of humor.
  2. My father never discipline me. If he doesn't like what I am doing usually it's because he is too much of a paranoic and worries that something can happen to me, that he is saying and asks me to act the other way. And if I refuse we find a way to make him worry less if not don't worry at all.
  3. I would say that he is always neutral. He has never been cold to me (except for our arguments of course). But usually, he gets warm only if he is asking me for something. Though he more often is being cold to my brother.
  4. He is always very supportive of everything I do. He likes my drawings, he wanted to pay for courses (even though he couldn't afford it) when I told him that it would be cool to become a tattoo artist (it was not serious), and to take me to Korea when I was learning Korean. He thinks that I'll be able to get where I want to be with my art.
  5. We do spend not a lot of time together, but when we do usually we do our own stuff and just talk in the process. Also, we often talk on the phone.
  6. Not after I was born.
  7. He is strong and goes to the gym. Also, he would die for me. And he thinks that love (not particularly romantic) is the most important thing in life. Also, he believes in crazy alien/aura/soul shit not related to religion (he is not religious)

Other Questions About Childhood

  1. Maybe how every holiday I was sitting on a bedside table in my grandmother's bedroom and crying. I can’t even remember any reason why I was doing it.
  2. I have a younger brother. And it pisses me off. Not that I have him, but that he gets whatever he wants from my mother and her mother, while they can't even give me money on the cheapest loaf of bread.
  3. I don't remember almost anything except that I was pretty shy, and didn't have a lot of friends, but had one best friend from kindergarten with whom we had a fight or something, so her grandmother came to me to talk about it. I remember she said that I called my ex-friend "fat dough-ball" (lol I was fatfobic even then). But then my friend changed school and we never saw each other again. Also, I hated school but always had good grades.
  4. I still was pretty shy, and didn't have a lot of friends, but always had one best friend (in total I had 3-4 ones) with who we had a lot of fun doing "crazy shit". Also even so I didn't care about school, I hated it, most of the time during lessons I was talking to my classmates, drawing in my notebook, or reading a book I always had with me, and I always had good grades.
  5. I went to college.
  6. I don't want to talk about it.
  7. Nothing. And I am pissed off because of that.